Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear BP, ....Lower your gas prices a good amount and we'll call it even.

   told his Mom she should get on Facebook and she said she's been putting on makeup for 40 years and doesn't need a book to tell her how to do it.

   Skinny jeans is like a cheap motel..... NO BALL ROOM!!!!

   I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus or occasionally pee on yourself.. You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special

   I love you in a "leave me alone" kinda way!

   Troy McClure. You might remember me from such drivers ed films as "Alice's Adventures Through The Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of LarryLeadfoot."

   Politicians should serve two terms. One in office, one in prison

   Why do banks leave both doors open but they chain the pens to the counter?

   had fun going to a Target store with a red shirt on the other day. And no, I did not have to do clean up on Aisle Eleven !

   Here kitty kitty, Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.

   NASCAR: Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks

   Nothing is sweeter than finding out that the cute boy who dumped you in the 12th grade lives in his mother's basement.

   Food eaten while preparing other food has no calories.

   Make friends with your hormones. They're what make you colorful and unpredictable.

   whoever said "never regret" obviously never had taco bell

   If wishes and buts were candy and nuts, Obama supporters would have the White House filled with pimps and sluts

   If BP needs a giant box to contain all the oil, they can call any of my ex-girlfriends.

   It's a shame how so many of you have such nice, expensive, in many cases even brand new cars and yet the turn signals don't seem to work.

   If it weren't for my feet I don't know how I'd ever shut the car door.

   Do I even want to know how one would contract herpes of the eye?