Funny Status Messages

   My idea of surf and turf is salt water taffy served on Easter grass.

   I hate when I request a song on the radio then realize I pronounced the artist's name wrong because the artists parents didn't know how to spell it.

   If you're feeling the Bern it might be the clap. Better get it checked.

   The worst part about growing old is having to hang out with old people.

   it just me... or does Orange Juice taste funny without Vodka.

   Women are strange creatures. My wife just told me that I needed to do some soul searching…..... so I Googled James Brown.

   Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.

   I'm giving up organized religion for Lent.

   I don't watch Faux News for the same reason I don't eat out of the toilet.

   What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1

   I wonder if the hats, which were made in China, are infected with the coronavirus?

   I'm the perfect man, if you don't factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.

   Whoever thinks money doesn`t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

   I blame Obama for the 1900 point drop in the Dow Jones, even though he has nothing to do with it.

   When you wake up without a tag on your toe, consider it a great way to start the day!

   Date: I should go… Me: (struggling to climb out of McDonald’s ball pit) Are you sure?

   Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company's low wages. The employees said, "They're paying us peanuts. By the way, they're only six points per serving."

   A new study has been published providing more evidence that straight women have fewer orgasms than men during sex. Still no word why that study was stuck on my fridge.

   The Number 1 reason that prospective applicants are rejected from the show "The Bachelor" is herpes. Apparently, you can't get on the show if you don't have it.

   A mail carrier in Florida is refusing to deliver mail to a nudist community. He said, "Sorry, but I'm just tired of seeing people's packages."