Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope the President hands out Impeachment Acquittal Pens at the State of Union.

   If you're over 18 but under 21 and are arrested for drinking alcohol, you can be charged as an adult for being under aged.

   All these people running around with masks on.... Made in China

   I appreciate Facebook music invite but I don't think I'm going to be able to make it out tomorrow night to hear your band playing 1000 miles away.

   Why do wives think giving their husband the silent treatment is a punishment.

   When I'm not at home and my wife is giving me the silent treatment, she'll send me blank tex messages.

   Back in 11th grade, a guy bugged me about his getting 10 times more girls than I got. I didn't care since 10x0 was still 0.

   I have electile dysfunction. I’m not aroused by any of the candidates

   "If playing golf is exercise, then why aren't there driving ranges in health clubs?

   Most nights at 2am I think of where I will be in ten, fifteen, twenty years. Other nights at 2am I wonder if I'll even make it that far.

   Life's short, don't scroll it away!

   They should release the movie Groundhog Day under the name Groundhog Day 2 and call it a sequel

   I saw my shadow this morning. Looks like it will be six more weeks of dieting.

   You know you're fat when your dog lays down in your shaddow on hot sunny days.

   If someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs!

   Folks who cheat on their taxes distress me greatly. This is NOT the world in which I want to raise my 26 dependents.

   YAY! Mr. Peanut back.

   With Valentine's Day just around the corner if you're secretly in love with me and would like a candlelit dinner with flowers and candy, it's to late shell out all that money, but talk to me talk on the 15th and maybe next year.

   Valentine's Day. The only day of the year the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   The Superbowl halftime show will go down in history as "The Vag Chronicles."