Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My whole problem with Facebook is I say what's on my mind. Like I'm doing now for instance.

   Corona Virus,NO NOT THE BEER PLEASE GOD NO!!🍺

   In the past week, the media has inundated us with a partisan train wreck and ended it with a helicopter crash.

   The fickle public will lose interest in the Kobe crash faster than they did with Popeye's chicken sandwich.

   See you in tea ~ say it, slower, spell it

   Hey, I ain't bragging, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   My grief counselor just died. I really don’t care. I guess we made progress.

   Marriage is the main cause of divorce.

   I was a whisker away from winning 'Beard of the Year' recently.

   Text book for urologists: "Looking Out for #1"

   My wife told me to stop quoting song lyrics. I told her I don't need permission to make my own decisions. That's my prerogative.

   I like men who play hard to get. So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

   I'm like a semicolon; most people don't know what to do with me.

   My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

   houseguest: is this a pull out couch me: no we kind of just hope for the best

   [Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren] DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

   Going forward I'm only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

   I used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

   Remember: when you kiss someone's elbow, you're also kissing the gut of every person they've ever elbowed.

   I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI