Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5910 of 6369
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Except the absence of herpes.Im pretty fond of not having that.
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05-19-2010 23:22
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when life throws you a lemon add the tequila and the salt !!
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05-19-2010 23:18 by RON
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Somewhere in this world my second wife is in 9th grade.
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05-19-2010 23:17 by paulb808
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Here it comesssss.... WOOT! WOOT! There it goessssssss.... "CHA-CHING!" Man, Payday Sux! :P
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05-19-2010 23:13 by RON
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thinks work is becoming a nice little break from Facebook.
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05-19-2010 23:09 by RON
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You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
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05-19-2010 23:04 by paulb808
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Has anyone else seen the Pop Tarts commercials where mom makes her kids Pop Tart ice cream sandwiches and garnishes a sundae with Pop Tarts? What can you do to make Pop Tarts even worse for you AND encourage childhood obesity? Add ice cream of course!
First day without any real amount of nicotine... My brain is interpreting this new development as: grumpy, antzy, sleepy, jumpy and pissy all at the same time... If I get sneezy and dopey I got all the 7 dwarfs covered!
What will happen during the LOST series finale? My guess is that Matthew Fox wakes up back in Chicago next to Suzanne Pleshette.
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05-19-2010 22:38
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I hate it when people steal my ideas before I think of them.
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05-19-2010 22:10 by RON
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a Blonde just texted me and asked "what does idk stand for? " I said "i dont know" she said "omg! nobody does!"
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05-19-2010 22:09 by RON
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Facebook has just suggested I poke my wife . . . Yeah good one facebook . . . Been trying for weeks . .
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05-19-2010 22:08 by RON
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woke up my wife this morning. She started feeling my face with her eyes closed. I asked her what she's doing and she said "Looking for the off button."
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05-19-2010 22:06 by RON
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The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What ..does a woman want?
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05-19-2010 22:05 by RON
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I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry sh*t makes me feel like a p*ssy.
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05-19-2010 22:00 by Joser
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Every time I burn dinner the fire alarm goes off and lets everyone in the neighborhood know. It's such an invasion of privacy.
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05-19-2010 21:14 by Joser
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If love is blind does that mean divorce is lasik surgery?
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05-19-2010 21:13 by Joser
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If TMZ doesn't follow me home from work today, I'm done wearing these ridiculous Lady Gaga costumes.
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05-19-2010 21:13 by Joser
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As a taxpayer, I demand police escorts for emergency situations... Such as trying to get Ice cream to work from Braum's before its melts...
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05-19-2010 21:12 by Joser
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I said to my girlfriend "Just remember,my grandmother is a bit old & hard of hearing. So speak nicely,speak slowly & speak loudly." I then whispered to my perfectly capable grandmother "My girlfriend is slightly retarded." Oh,what fun I had.