Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Would a mime fart be silent but deadly?

   The closest I've come to working out in the last month has been a double sneeze. And I hurt my neck.

   Does a steelhead trout rust in the water?

   It's hard to believe we made it to the top of the food chain given half our limbs are nearly useless...

   Do you think Gillette employees ever call in Schick to work?

   Numbers 1 through 5 on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to take a nap.

   My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..

   How cold is it here? It's so cold out, my nipples got to work 5 minutes before I did.

   People think I’m stupid because I have a lisp. You know what? I’m thick of it..

   In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

   The problem with driving an old air-cooled Volkswagen bus is kids keep mistaking it as an ice cream truck, and the worst part is it's so slow they could almost catch you.

   My brother in-law just called with some terrible news.. He tasted a bag of white powder he found in his son's backpack and his worst fears were realized... Gymnastic chalk.

   If I know one thing for sure it's that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they'd eaten more celery.

   I missed my mammogram appointment yesterday. When I called today they said they could squeeze me in.

   My wife asked me if I wanted to see Hootie And The Blowfish. I told her I only wanna be with you.

   No disrespect to the Vatican, but the actual first Sunday in Ordinary Time is the first Sunday after the Super Bowl.

   After years of changing beds & emptying bed pans, the song "Bootylicious" never did much for me.

   STACY mom, wife, teacher. Also a lying actress.

   You've probably already heard that Mr. Peanut died. But, don't worry. He'll be back in a Jif.

   Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works