Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn't know it was even possible to be this jealous.

   *puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse's station* Nurse: We only need one. *puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

   me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

   All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

   My Grandpa used to gather us around to tell us stories about surviving World War Two. My dad just gathered us around to watch a YouTube clip of an Asian child playing “Africa” by Toto on a rubber chicken.

   *Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat* Join your brothers and sisters sweet child

   almost 61 years ago 2 people had sex and now I have to go to work everyday

   name a more iconic trio than Phone, Keys and Wallet

   This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I've ever paid for.

   The paleo diet is to eat only foods cavemen would have eaten. So, fruity pebbles, cocoa pebbles, the oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs, etc.

   How awesome were the 50s? None of the girls had tramp stamps & you could smoke in hospitals.

   Scoopable cat litter makes me feel like the worst miner ever..

   A bunch of helicopters should be called hellacopters.

   When you see a piece of garbage on the ground you can pick up you must ask yourself "What would Greta Thunberg do?"

   NEWS FLASH! I was hired to proof read the original 10 Commandments. Well let me tell you that I found a big mistake with #7. It should have read: Thou shalt not omit adultery.

   Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

   Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

   Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.

   Ever been trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water is running?

   This bird flu thing is still pretty scary. I spent an hour last night rubbing Vicks Vapo-rub on my parakeet.