Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

   Lights off, Music on, Phone in silent mode, tired body and calm mind; Perfect recipe for good night sleep.

   .i. love \i/

   If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of it

   Since I'm now single, if I broke my hand could I put "it's complicated" as my relationship status?

   Regreting is only a waste of time. if something happened,accept that it happened and there is nothing that can be done to change it.just be happy that it is not yet the end of the world.

   I wish, with a passion, that I could find the strength to give you one more chance.

   In Light Of BP's Recent Accident They Are Offering Everyone Free Oil. You Just Have To Come Pick It Up At Any Location In The Gulf Coast..

   A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.

   likes waking up after a nap and finding out theres a whole night to go with that kinky dream!"

   "Every time I see a mattress on top of a car I think it's a prostitute making house calls."

   Can I have your phone number, so I can call you the next time I have a 4 hour erection?

   pretty drowsy......he's pretty sure he has a nap for that....

   "We can still be friends" is like saying "Hey, the dog died but we can keep it"

   Definition of stupid; person who locks their keys in the car...and it takes them an hour to get their family out.

   ...easy there, don't cry, it's OK. Everyone makes mistakes...take your parents for example

   I'm not feeling myself today... anyone else wanna try?

   Since practice makes perfect, I must thank my parents for not givin' up on the first try. :)

   preparing for confession. Anyone have an unused condom?

   "Money cannot buy you happiness but id rather cry in my ferrari...."