Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate how celebrities always die in 3 like Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison and sometimes literally on the same day like Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Bopper and now Oscar the Grinch, Big Bird and Caroll Spinney.

   It's a good thing that not everyone owns a smartphone..Someone has to HONK when the light turns green.

   "I am the way, the truth and the lasagna." - Cheeses of Nazareth

   when is it too late to have a baby shower ? cause my mama never had one when she was pregnant with me & I need some clothes

   My gift to my therapist is that she is never bored

   Roadside sobriety test are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet .

   A new study found that 1 percent of men buy gifts for their loved ones at gas stations on Christmas Day. Nothing shows Christmas warmth like a nice bottle of top-shelf anti-freeze.

   Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most of my shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience.

   A company has developed a grease burn protection so you can fry a skillet full of bacon naked. You can now fry bacon naked. I know you think it's a joke, but that's how Orson Welles died.

   I've slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

   I've never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

   I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

   Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.

   It's Sunny!! Which is kind of like a "It's snowing!" post, but better because it's sunny and not snowing.

   My wedding will be open casket.

   Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

   Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.

   My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.

   By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?