Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it just me, or does Jerry Nadler look like he should be baking cookies in a tree.

   Can you put tequila in a humidifier? Just asking for a friend.

   To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue in their yard........ can you remove them? Every time I pass, I think it's the cops and I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, h

   If anybody knows any lonely old people preparing to eat Christmas dinner alone? Please let me know as I need to borrow some chairs!

   If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

   I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."

   I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

   Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album

   I don't like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

   There are millions of children starving in Africa. IHOP has a sign that says "kids eat free". So build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved.

   I see they brought back Lincoln Logs. I remember those."Let's see, what should I make? I know, a cabin!"

   Ran into a guy who used to bully me back in elementary school who even after all these years still took my lunch money. But on a high point, even without asking he gave me extra ketchup at McDonald's.

   The problem with quotes by famous people you see on Facebook is you never know if they're authentic or not. Albert Einstein,

   Believing Ru$$ian disinformation over US intelligence makes you a commie lover and your grandfathers must be turning in their graves with shame.

   I'd like to send a sympathetic Christmastime shout out to young kids these days who see a really cool toy on TV, but will never get it because their parents must be 18 or old6er to call.

   I once dated a woman who punched me in the face ever time she'd climax. I freaked when I discovered she was faking them.

   If a woman sends me a "Hey there, good lookin" message, you can be assured she sent it to five other guys too. Kidding. She sent it to me by mistake.

   What if the meaning of life is written somewhere in Facebooks user service agreement no one bothered reading?

   A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions.

   How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???