Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am trying to get into the Christmas "spirit" but can't get the bottle open...

   At the summit breakfast as Boris left the table he said cherrio to Donald who responded no Honey Bunches of Oats.

   I know what I’m getting for Christmas …Yeah that's right, Fat. I’m getting fat.

   I was so mad at my parents when I found out Santa wasn’t real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother's wives bras

   me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"

   Sometimes I like to wake up super early, eat a good breakfast and read some of my friends inspirational Facebook posts to help start the day off right before going back to bed.

   "Sorry about your dress." "Sorry about the nudity." "Sorry I kept calling your wife sir." - Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

   The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, "Don't get me anything for Christmas."

   Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids' gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

   Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"

   Store Clerk: Happy holidays Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS [we just start choking each other]

   The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

   In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder

   The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...

   COP: someone's been cutting everyone's christmas lights but not yours ME: I have no idea why a crustacean- I mean person would do that [my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

   Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street. Cop: Those are traffic lights, what's exactly in the thermos ma'am?

   So, Biden was a Senator for 100 years and VP for 8 years and all of a sudden, he has a bunch of great ideas on how to improve the US??

   Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

   What jugglers do best 1. Juggle 2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle