Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my drinking team has a football problem

   When you were a kid, your biggest decision was "Duck Hunt or Mario Bros."

   I'd like to kick Murphy's @ss for making any laws.

   The truth shall set ye free. But lying shall get ye a bunch of free sh*t.

   I am not a control freak. I prefer the term "predictability enthusiast".

   She had a Coca-Cola body....too bad it was the 2-Liter version.

   I had to separate the Aunt Jemima and the Uncle Ben in my pantry. Ben won't keep his hands off those big flapjacks..

   Had Mexican for dinner last night and just used a BP restroom. Let's just say we're almost even.

   With "Lost" and "American Idol" finished what am I supposed to do with my life, I guess I'll go enjoy that hot orange thing in the sky!

   wondering if the Phillys and Blackhawks players wives are not shaving either

   Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake. Then this will be my last status update.

   they should just put a shamwow on the oil spill.

   Justin Bieber. So easy a caveman can do it.

   I'm going to invent the Facebook Status Flipbook. An animated screen capture collection. Met a new guy (flip), it's only been a week but I Love him (flip), week 2 and I hate him (flip), deleting Facebook (flip), I Love him again.

   guess there isn't anything to this Global warming, Gores now agree

   Why is it that whenever I'm on vacation I can ALWAYS find a Law & Order marathon on TNT?

   I truly wonder how much better life would be if people were required to fill out a CAPTCHA before breeding.

   Called my 40 year old cousin in Louisiana and told her she'd better hurry up and get married. There won't be as many fish in the sea now.

   People always demand to know who farted as if they'll decide how disgusted to be based on who's responsible.

   Every time I pour water on myself when attempting to use a water bottle I get sad because even hamsters have mastered this.