Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why men cheat on the wifey type for a hoe and when they get the hoe they want the wifey type back

   spent yet another day successfully converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

   what did 50 cent say to his Grandma who was sewing a Sweater ?? Gee-You-Knit !!!!

   The two Garden of Eden rules: 1 Dont eat of the fruit of the tree of good and evil, 2 don't put that thing in her mouth!

   Going to MacDonalds for a Salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

   knows. It doesn't bother me at all. Do I hold any hard feelings? Not at all, ... Life is too short to sit around and hold grudges. I don't hold any whatsoever.

   going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they act up I will just hit them all at once

   If I threw all my problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, I'd grab mines back...

   In Amsterdam, everyone rides a bicycle and no one cares how excited you are to buy marijuana.

   A recent survey showed 65% of Americans can't name a single Supreme Court justice and that's sad because HELLO Judge Judy.

   My life is proof that you can party as a profession.

   I just saw 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the most obvious one was "Shout For Help".

   confused why these stars adopt kids to have other people raise them.

   I'd let you talk more, but you're not as interesting as I am.

   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away...

   A new study found that the average person has lost an hour of sleep at night during the recession....the silver lining though is that most of them can just sleep in late the next day.

   Please don't ever change! I always want to be better than you.

   Women say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonalds outfit none of them will even talk to me.

   I'm going back to traffic school to get my Masters.

   If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.