Funny Status Messages

   Dear Facebook, I'm fully capable of finding my phone friends so if you can do me a favor and stop suggesting them to me like my mother did when I was 5 years old that would be great. Thanks!

   Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

   Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

   Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

   When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses. That’s me in a nutshell.

   *At the checkout Cashier: How many croissants? M: Four *Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face. M: Um six

   Cowboy: This town ain't big enough for the both of us ME: I'll be staying indoors almost all the time Cowboy: ok cool

   My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

   I love when you look into someone's eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

   : I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned. True story.

   At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

   The Toronto Zoo is planning to split up a pair of gay penguins. You know how they're going to split them up? By giving the penguins just one ticket to see “Mamma Mia.”

   Once again the Aflac duck balloon will be at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. And if you think that’s weird, wait till you see the balloon for that old guy from the Cialis commercials.

   Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...

   Ran out of coffee this morning. Vodka seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is soo pretty this today...

   Having one of those awkward moments when you're not looking at Facebook and you're crazy Facebook stalker finds you on YouTube :/

   A new law just came out where all bicyclist are now required to wear a helmet which is ridiculous, I mean when I was a kid I took all kinds of spills on my bike without a helmit and turned out perfectly fine and turned out perfectly fine.

   No bathe November is going to make Thanksgiving interesting...

   To make you feel better if you're single this Valentine's Day just remember, Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beat to death with a club.

   My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don't think I can trust his judgment.