Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - Like Kermit says, "It isn't easy being Rob Green"

   if you can't say ridiculous things with a straight face, there's probably no room in management for you.

   I think that good friend is worth pursuing, but why would a good friend be running away?

   looking for a sports channel that shows the football world cup.,, all is see is soccer match!?

   $50 & going on a shopping spree at the 99¢ store!!!

   my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

   When I grow up I wanna become a civil engineer, and design septic tanks for playgrounds. So little kids can take Sh•ts.! :-)

   My motto is "never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto.

   If you're happy and you know it, share your meds.

   The chicken never actuall crossed the road... it was a government conspiracy to distract us from the real problem at hand... Where the hell is Waldo?

   Duran Duran have reworked one of their classic singles for the World Cup. It goes, 'His name is Rio and he watches from the stands...'

   ""Daddy, whats a transvestite?” “Go ask your mother…he'll tell you.”

   If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.

   a World Cup soccer game is like watching a bunch of nerds in a night club... A bunch of guys trying their best, and nobody scores...

   So Adrian Peterson misses "mandatory" training camp for "Adrian Peterson Day" in some town in Texas, and its some big deal... My question is how do the celebrate "AP Day"? Bake some turnovers, drop things all day and accomplish nothing major?

   Tip this cab driver $5 he continued staring at me like I was going to give him more with his hand open, I took my $5 back, the tip is be grateful and stop being greedy

   Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

   I miss the days when covering my eyes would make me invisible...

   I think this day just took a hard right onto WTF blvd...

   my two buddies walked into a bar, but I ducked