Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start marinating the beaver.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 05:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
←Rate | 10-02-2019 05:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined Me: no
←Rate | 10-02-2019 05:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon *brings therapist to family gathering* Me: See? Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon *throws bottle with note into ocean *months pass *bottle with note washes up on beach “Your rescue request is very important to us...”
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream. The best response was not "Was he hot?” I know this now.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I'm gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If it says "typing" for more then 2 minutes... you're gonna have a bad time.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don't like me Therapist: That's where I can help Me: Great Therapist: They don't
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don't get blown away.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A Wednesday without rain is a Dry Hump Day.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: ready to visit grandma? Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying? Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The streets of my city are no longer safe. I do not wish to use kung fu, but I am afraid that there is no alternative.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 22:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
←Rate | 10-03-2019 06:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Due to rising operational costs, I will no longer be able to provide dirty deeds at a dirt cheap rate. Thank you for your understanding.
←Rate | 10-04-2019 09:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How did the dude sell us out when the other dude and his kid made all the money? Enquiring minds (and the Feds) want to know, Joe.
←Rate | 10-04-2019 10:27 Comments (0)  




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