Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never know what to do with all the fast food condiments I bring home from restaurants but I sure am ready for the trick-or-treaters this year!

   mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income. me: no problem broker: Where are you currently employed? me: Spirit Halloween

   You can tell it’s autumn because Nancy Peelosi used her cauldron to make chowder.

   The probability of someone looking at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

   Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don't lie either.

   Let's face it, Facebook is just a place for people seeking attention and tweeter is a place where they hope someone, anyone, will listen.

   The thing I don't like about Twitter is don't give you enough room to write all your thoughts out and you always end up cutting short every sente

   The phrases "Adam Schiff" and "Intelligence" can not be used in the same sentence.

   I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.

   I got a speeding ticket yesterday...But my attorney, Rudy Giuliani, plead it down to 1st Degree Murder.

   For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.

   Ladies, please remove your Apple Watch if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a Spy Kid.

   There is a guy here at work that calls me "Chief." There's another guy here at work that calls me "Pardner." I'm beginning to feel like I'm a double-agent in a clandestine Cowboys and Indians war.

   Just bought some of that new Pelosi Vodka at the Liquor Store. It has no proof, either.

   Adults in the wold read this symbol # as pound and women name a movement againt sexual harassment #metoo.

   I dropped and broke an egg this morning. Yet another seven years of bad luck with the chicks...

   Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor? Me: Yes, but I don't have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

   'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

   My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says "First, let me explain"