Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My horoscope today just said "NOPE"

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on this morning she'll think she lost weight.

   Since when is it unconstitutional for an acting president to seek help from a foriegn country to win an election?

   [Eulogy] Bicyclist's Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

   [Dinner at Arby's] Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home Me: Ahh memories

   I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

   The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.

   Dog 911: hello Dog: I accidentally ate the trash Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry Dog: but I'm not sorry Dog 911: I said pretend

   Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

   Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can't help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

   Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can't help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

   At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

   Children are the best fundraisers because they don't understand economics: Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat 12 year old me: That is such a great deal

   Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.

   Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...

   Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast? Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week. Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.

   Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

   Why would you be scared to get measles? You haven't left your couch since 2011.

   Gorilla Glue works best if you want your fingers stuck to whatever’s broken but you don’t actually want to fix it.

   Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.