Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering if you have sex with a girl with multiple personalities, is it considered a "orgy"?

   It's obvious that Ed Hardy is g@y. No straight man would decide he would rather design clothing than solve mysteries with his brothers...

   Eating kidney beans is a very small step towards cannibalism...

   Bronchitis is my least favorite dinosaur.

   A leopard can't change its spots, unless it has Photoshop.

   Thomas Kinkade was arrested for drunk driving...I wonder how long until he releases his new painting, "lights through the jailhouse window"?

   If you're so much better than the leading brand... why aren't you the leading brand?

   - Kim Jong-il says to Brasil players: Oul lockets have vely long lange!

   thinks that hard work never killed anybody, but wht take the chance?

   thinks this world is filled with mistakes and regrets, but it's all a lesson. Learn from it.

   hopes Joran van der Sloot gets the electric chair...then he'll be called 'The Frying Dutchman'

   It's a lot easier to fall into trouble than it is to work out of it.

   It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.

   The Backstreet Boys are boycotting British Petroleum. I think I'll wait to see what the New Kids on the Block are going to do.

   "Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left."

   "Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times."

   "No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office."

   [Watching a baby being born] is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

   "The sweetest age in the world is sixteen, or whatever age your daughter is."

   Nothing makes food less fattening than being too expensive.