Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm at that age where food makes me fat.

   Rotisseries are making chickens roll over in their graves.

   Parents with Antifa shirts should not worry about if their child gets laughed at about climate change

   Ever read a classic novel that really moves you? I feel that way about cheesecake.

   eating a straw so the turtles don’t have to

   In 2003 an Olive Garden waitress told me to tell her when to stop grating cheese on my salad. As far as I know she's still doing it.

   My favorite alcoholic drink is probably sleep.

   These post apocalyptic movies are just not factual. I mean how can everyone be wearing leather when there are no cows?

   Captain: relax, it’s just a title Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

   DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE *crowd nervously looks at each other *meek yet courageous man steps up M: No.

   I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don't own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

   Home is where your toilet is.

   Me: *goes for midnight jog* My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

   My brain is a bad influence on me

   Him: are you an early bird or a night owl? Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

   * asks plastic surgeon " can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?"

   7 years ago today I swallowed gum..... and now we wait

   "I AM A WARRIOR" Sorry, worrier. I am a worrier.

   If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

   “you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door