Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   will no longer be posing nude for money..

   thinks that the worst part about not being able to log into Facebook is not having a place to complain about not being able to get on Facebook.

   A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine...

   Today I didn't even have to use my A.K. / I got to say it was a good day.

   I find my nose is always itchiest right before I scratch it.

   Will work for salary and benefits with an annual cost of living increase but not on weekends, statutory holidays, or during 3-week vacation.

   I see Coke is once again running their popular "Look Under the Cap to Try Again" contest.

   Google just returned 3,250,000,000 results for my search. Cancel my afternoon appointments.

   I saw a PETA add with several attractive women saying “I'd rather go naked than wear fur”. Please, no one tell them there's a third option.

   You think when whoever invented the Bong, a black light appeared over their head....

   I received a Jury Summons today, guess its better then receiving an Arrest Warrant???

   Look, all we have to do is put little pieces of paper with mystical-sounding gibberish on them inside these cookies -- we'll make a fortune!

   Every Ice Age starts the same way. With a lonely squirrel just tryin' to get a nut.

   Who we are never changes. Who you think you are does.

   You can't talk to me that way. Seriously, turn towards me so I can hear what you're saying.

   I'd still be extremely impressed with a one trick pony if the trick were juggling.

   Reminder, fellas: bra cups come in sizes AA, A, B, C, D, DD, OMG, WTF.

   I saw a sign that said END ROAD WORK. I find it annoying too, but I don't think I would protest against it.

   What kind of troopers does the Empire use when it's nice out?

   If food at McDonald's looked anything like on the commercials, McDonald's customers would look even less like the people on the commercials.