Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember those girls in college who neatly highlighted all of their text books in pink? They work at the cosmetic counter at Macy’s now.

   60 Minutes would be a better show if they played that ticking noise the entire time.

   As a Fat bottomed girl, I'm not sure how we're expected to make the Rockin' world go round. That sounds *way* too much like exercise to me

   If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   A Cheerio just fell out of my bra, and suddenly I realize food gets more action than I do.

   Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting "here"

   Went into the kitchen to look for pot and all I found were pans.

   It's sad old people won't live to see time travel, because how bad do they want to find the jerk who carpeted over this beautiful hardwood?

   Things have changed so much like 4000 years ago if you killed a lion and could fix people's teeth you would have been the king of everything

   In almost every situation, Nutella makes a great substitute for love.

   The main difference between a nudist and a streaker is speed.

   I grew up living paycheck to Paycheck but through hard work and perseverance, I now live Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.

   Shoutout to all my friends who never liked comment or say anything on Facebook, You're my heroes! But if you could do me a little favor and like this one status so I know you're still alive out and actually give a damn what I post that would be awesome.

   Just cleaned up my friends list, so if you can see this post it means you've made the cut because you're special! Or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on....

   Feeling cute...might buy a goalie mask and go camping later...I dunno. #FridayThe13th.

   Amazon is on fire? That’s not going to mess up my Prime 2 day shipping… is it?

   if your PC gets a virus from a porn site, is that a STD for computers?

   Can't wait for the iPhone 11 to come out that's the fastest phone I could get to check the same three apps thousand times a day.

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine…one, three, five, seven, nine.” I thought to myself, “How odd.”

   Hey, do you think the next Rocky movie will have a fight scene in the cafeteria over the thermostat?