Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it's funny that on the show unsolved mysterious women are never included

   Dad, this Father's Day, allow me to point out that none of my messes cost 20 billion dollars to clean up.

   always tells people they'll miss me when I'm gone and they say, "How can we miss you if you won't leave!"

   - Almost 3 hours of football played and Rob Green is still our top scorer.

   I just don't understand England's performance. Surely John Terry hasn't had time to sleep with all their wives?

   3 Lions looking like 11 helpless kittens..... : /

   and (number) other friends doesn't need to change their profile pictures.

   You know it's awkward when your dad sends friend requests to all your friends.

   Football is a game in which a handful of men run around for one and a half hours watched by millions of people who could really use the exercise.

   When I was your age I lost my tooth..not my virginity...

   walked past victoria secret the lady said are bras are 50% off I said I like when they are 100% off

   Researchers at the university of Minnesota have linked tanning beds to brain damage. They were able to do this after watching only one episode of "Jersey Shore".

   Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

   This 'itch', That 'itch', Jovanovic! Stojkovic! : This is what you get for the holocaust, b!tch!

   It still haunts me to this day; what I did for that Klondike Bar.........

   A hurricane is the only way to wash away the pain

   decided it was time to leave the restroom when the guy in the stall next to me shouted "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!"

   just heard Miley Cyrus is releasing a new song and dedicating it to Perez Hilton...it's called "Party In The Cell Block A"......

   didn't waste his time with Windows and bought a Mac instead. My name's Randee and common sense was my idea

   said to an ugly chick he wanted to give her ONE. ''I wouldnt touch you she said. ''I wouldnt touch you either'' I said, I was rating you out of TEN''