Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If anyone wants to know why parents dont sleep, it's the foot in your nose at 00:39
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: *trying to hock a loogie* Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon me: *having prostate examination* doc: omg, when was this last wiped? me: WHAT doc: *pointing to dust on table* I must speak to the cleaning lady
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest. “No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wife: I swear, it's like you never even listen to me!!! Me: Sounds great, Dear.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my— Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That moment of sheer panic when you're wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Canada brought you Nickelback. Now you know why Canadians are sorry.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon OMG you guys!! I have abs . . . . . . ...olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I knew I was going bald when it took longer and longer to wash my face.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The SPCA needs to open a bar. I know a ton of guys that bring home dogs from the bar.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 15:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Seems like somebody should have sued producers of "The Neverending Story" for false advertising
←Rate | 09-09-2019 16:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bet a lot of optometrists retire next year, you know... 2020.
←Rate | 09-09-2019 17:05 by SKB Comments (0)  


   messageicon me: *running around the operating room in circles screaming* patient: who's that? nurse: your trauma surgeon patient: wow he's good
←Rate | 09-10-2019 08:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I knew I was going bald 5 years ago when it took longer and longer to wash my face.
←Rate | 09-10-2019 08:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well...except mom was ticketed for littering
←Rate | 09-10-2019 08:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you want a sneak preview of the new iPhone 11 just look at your iPhone 10 and pretend it costs $600 more.
←Rate | 09-10-2019 09:59 Comments (0)  




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