Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you belive in yourself, you can do anything... if you belive that.. your oficialy a retard

   it just me or does anyone else translate the sticker "Student Driver" as "Please Screw With Me"...??????

   The clean up in the Gulf is going well. My seabass I ordered was a quart low.

   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

   was thinking about running around outside naked, but then I drank another bottle except it was Windex, and it stopped me from streaking...

   don't make me mad, I will find your pictures and post them on peopleofwalmart.com and then see who has the last laugh!!!

   It's not my fault when I open my mouth words come out

   If I see that "fuzzoodle" commercial one more time, I'm going to shoot my tv.

   it just a coincidence that batteries and bras come in the same sizes?

   Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

   Preserve nature....pickle a squirrel.

   Officially out of Liquor Stores within a 25km radius that don't Recognize me as soon as I walk in the door...

   I hate when people say "have a nice day." Like I'm gonna be in anguish later then think "Oh yeah, Truck Driver guy told me to have a nice day."

   If you think about it, "This was the greatest day of my life" is a very pessimistic statement.

   Bumper stickers I'd like to give out: I BRAKE FOR NO REASON / MY OTHER SIGNAL IS OFF / HONK IF YOU HATE WAITING AT GREEN LIGHTS

   I have accumulated considerable wealth which, along with my collection of firearms, makes me very attractive to women. (Every rap song)

   I really don't think baby steps is an effective way of getting somewhere. For one thing, they fall on their faces half the time.

   wondering WHY is everybook about vampires now. Pride and prejudce, alice in wonderland, ...why dont we just turn mickey mouse in to a vampire too? !!!

   Everything taste good and is easy to swallow with a little "hope and change" sprinkled on it.

   The first few people to join Facebook must have felt like pretty big losers.