Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.

   To be fair when I was younger I didn't really understand the difference between England and the United Kingdom. I was 12. I wasn't running a country.

   Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

   Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan. Me: *makes another plate of nachos*

   I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it's even weirder than you imagine.

   I like to throw a fake punch at a hoooker's crotch. If she flinches, I know it's a dude.

   Plot twist: two birds kill YOU with one stone.

   I wish all tests were things you peed on

   It's not every day you're woken up with a blow job from a beautiful woman. And today was no different.

   Kmart always smells like if Walmart was found dead in its apartment after three days.

   If I’m ever on Jeopardy I hope the final category isn’t “Can You Tell These Mumford & Sons Songs Apart.”

   The cat puked under my bed. Cleanup efforts only made it worse. It's time to renew our commitment to developing alternative sources of cute.

   "Here, let me suck as much life from you as possible." -jobs

   Nothing says 'neighbours' quite like stealing each others WiFi

   Where did the word "etymology" come from?

   Until you lean in to hear a seven-year-old's whisper, you don't realize that front teeth act as a retaining wall for spit.

   Whenever Adobe Flash tells me to update I download and install an even older version, that's MY revolution

   my friend put me in charge of picking up the wedding cake today LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL RIP CAKE

   I'm worried my cat isn't eating enough fish skeletons out of trashcans.

   If you're drinking a Starbucks coffee while complaining about paying $3.20 a gallon for gas, you should have your license revoked.