Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip me: I can do it son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Boss: I've received complaints about your AA meetings Me: too boring, right? Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying...
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade? I see you peach, and I’m watching
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love? Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon me: i’m sad about this thing therapist: but it’s not about that thing me: ok thx here’s $175
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [first day as a pilot] me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What the person on the street corner approaching me w a pamphlet doesn't understand is I want the world to end
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best advice my parents ever gave me was not to push too hard because that's how Elvis died.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fell asleep last night with the T.V. off. Was that camping?
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No. Skinny girls shouldn't be in charge of the office thermostat. You need a middle-aged woman with hot flashes named Brenda on the dial.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every time I watch cartoons I imagine how badly they must reek of B.O. because they're always wearing the same thing.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Peanuts, big butts, M&M's, large butts, raisins, huge butts." - Sir Trail Mix-a-Lot
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My cat complains when I drive him to the vet, but we always end up stopping behind Red Lobster "just for a second" whenever he drives.
←Rate | 08-26-2019 12:48 Comments (0)  




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