Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead, he jaughed. You know he's been there before.
←Rate | 06-23-2010 22:57 by Marshall the Great Comments (3)  


   messageicon I don't know if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
←Rate | 06-23-2010 22:56 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  


   messageicon Worrying is like a rocking chair. It keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
←Rate | 06-23-2010 22:42 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon not in the dictionary because awesome is already a word
←Rate | 06-23-2010 22:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can't believe people are watching SOCCER!! It's a bunch of guys running around like crazy, and NEVER scoring! It just reminds me of my high school years!
←Rate | 06-23-2010 22:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon an apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough
←Rate | 06-23-2010 21:52 by Angela Comments (1)  


   messageicon June 23, 1860, The U.S. Secret Service was created to arrest counterfeiters. Now the Secret Service also protects the President... isn't this a conflict of interest?
←Rate | 06-23-2010 21:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon doing situps with a stomach virus isn't the smartest thing I have ever done! Time to call in CSI to get this mess cleaned up
←Rate | 06-23-2010 20:13 by gmcclellan Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it -- like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.
←Rate | 06-23-2010 19:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon finally figured out what mosquitoes are for. They're God's way of making us slap ourselves.
←Rate | 06-23-2010 19:36 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon remembers being a kid thinking "I wish dad would pull his pants down from below his shoulders." Now I wonder if my grandkids will be looking at my son thinking "I wish my dad would pull his pants off the ground."
←Rate | 06-23-2010 18:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There is a very good chance that you don't understand probability.
←Rate | 06-23-2010 18:34 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon Actions speak louder than words. Especially if that action is yelling.
←Rate | 06-23-2010 18:34 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon I only talk sh*t when I'm strategically located near bouncers.
←Rate | 06-23-2010 18:33 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon If a large group of lions is a Pride, what is a large group of housecats? Shame.
←Rate | 06-23-2010 18:33 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'll bet the watch I left at home feels naked without me.
←Rate | 06-23-2010 18:30 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon Observation: Any story that ends with "Anyway, it was really funny" is not really funny.
←Rate | 06-23-2010 18:29 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon Try to keep your mind out of the gutter. Your body, too.
←Rate | 06-23-2010 18:28 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon Please note that The Netherlands, Never-Neverland, and The Netherworld are three different places.
←Rate | 06-23-2010 18:28 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I go to your place for the first time, unless you live in a castle, please dont ask me if I want a tour.
←Rate | 06-23-2010 18:20 by Joser Comments (0)  




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