Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m sorry, but some of my classmates look like they went to school with my mom.

   Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

   Her: oh my god i’m so wet Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

   I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

   Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here. Me: Thank you. Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

   I’ll rise, but I won’t shine.

   Somebody needs to starts a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.

   Sometimes waiting for the weekend is better than the weekend itself.

   That strange moment when you're telling a story, and people think it's a joke.

   Life is like Snapchat. You can call many people your friends, but it doesn't mean, they call you their friends.

   These days it is getting hard to tell if it's flirting or trolling.

   Best moment to sleep: 10% - in the evening. 90% - in the morning.

   Be yourself! Everyone else is already taken.

   That horseshoe has NO LUCK!

   I got one of those "No Bullying" bracelets. But I didn't pay for it, I took it away from a guy who is smaller and skinnier than I am and then I threw him into a dumpster.

   Planting some shrubs today and they're all leaning to one side, either I was drunk when I planted them or I planted them too close to the weed.

   airline: will you be checking your bags, sir me: again? I did that three times at home

   I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”

   youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you're not bored while he fixes it.

   Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!