Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon me: [using doggie poop bag at park] stranger: nice to see some common courtesy here for once me: yeah wouldn't want anyone to step in it stranger: what's your dog's name me: dog?
←Rate | 08-21-2019 12:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Based on my Netflix recommendations I'm either a serial killer or chef
←Rate | 08-21-2019 12:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving. Haha, just a little joke to get us started. Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 12:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 13:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching The Wiggles over and over..
←Rate | 08-21-2019 13:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I dont know what it is about sex that has me panting afterwards. Maybe its the physical exertion, complex techniques, age... or could just be inflating the darn blow up doll every single time!
←Rate | 08-21-2019 13:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you're pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
←Rate | 08-21-2019 13:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't keep in touch with my family very often. But when I do, I hear it on the Police Scanner.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 14:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and facebook friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone. Orson Welles
←Rate | 08-21-2019 14:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
←Rate | 08-21-2019 15:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anyone who doesn't request unlimited salad and breadsticks as their last meal is an idiot
←Rate | 08-21-2019 15:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm going to buy Greenland and Mexico will pay for it!!!
←Rate | 08-21-2019 20:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know you're old if you remember a time when the only thing you could do with a telephone was talk on it.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 22:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm going bananas! *What I tell my bananas when I'm leaving the house.
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People who give you their attention only when they're lonely or bored... No thank you. I already have a cat.
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Guy: I'm an organist Me: what you got against organs?
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it? Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair* ME: perfect, thanks BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head* VOLDEMORT: yep, that's great
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:45 Comments (0)  




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