Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.

   Spent most of my early twenties trying to open a pistachio.

   I want to hire a Chipotle employee to tuck me in at night.

   "Life's too short to remove USB safely"

   I just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank. Will they just put the $$ in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?

   I'm reading the Cheesecake Factory menu.. please don't tell me how it ends.

   "My eyes are down there!" - Large-breasted blind woman pointing to her service dog.

   I bet if Jeff Bridges picked up your kid from school today & said “I’m your dad now,” your kid wouldn’t even question it.

   just when you think life is going okay, you get the new guy at Subway

   I had morning wood. But my wife has morning wouldn't. So now I'm mourning wood.

   Ladies, do you like the strong, silent type? Then you'll love my farts.

   Back in my day, Nintendo Wii meant you peed your pants because you wouldn't move for hours playing Super Mario Bros.

   I learned two things today. when you swallow a watermelon seed, they don't digest, but they do float.

   Not one person asked me how much faster I can run in my new shoes. Being an adult is f'n dumb!!

   people who work at Amazon fulfillment centers should put their job status as "professional boxer"

   I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

   Need a math nerd to solve problem:I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch

   Need a math nerd to solve problem: I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun

   At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like "Wow, She's so light." and "Is she even in here?"

   All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?