Funny Status Messages

   the four elements are: • earth • fire • air • water • surprise

   If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

   We never dreamed that one day we'd sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

   me: [hitting the space bar] hot alien: hey

   friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven't. it's destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends. me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity o

   Comedian: Thanks everyone you've been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress. Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

   When you look at Twitter's trending topics, it's a lot easier to understand why they have to write "Do Not Eat" on silica gel packets.

   I'd rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

   To make a long story short, just walk away once you're bored.

   You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her

   My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That's why I take so many naps.

   ME: Alexa, am I drunk? TUBE OF PRINGLES:

   [teaching teen to drive] Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie. Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat? Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

   When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes.

   Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my wife the silent treatment and I didn't want her to bless me.

   Bringing blacks into this country was the worst thing to ever happen here.

   Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

   Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business? Me: Oh no! Wife: What? Me: Bankruptsea!

   RAPUNZEL: oh no I'm out of hair JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

   bought candy at the movies and suddenly I can't pay this months rent anymore