Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

   [coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

   Can anyone recommend a good wine that pairs well with a teenager's sh@# attitude?

   Me and the person reading this have decided to quit alcohol.

   Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry. Me: No, two of those are clean.

   Hotel clerk: May I help you? Me: Call an ambulance. HC: What happened? M: I'm not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

   I want to win a fake award like "Michigan's man of the year" too.

   I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.

   Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light. He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

   Panzerband. Duct Tape. Klebebänder. Papierklebeband. Alle Sorten. Malerkrepp. Malerfolie. Doppelklebeband. Teppichband. Schaumklebeband. Alu-Band, Alu-Klebeband. Werkzeug. Hochwertige Waren vom Produzent. Fabrikverkauf. Versand am gleichen Tag

   Whoever discovered DNA, I hate that person so much. We can't even get away with crimes these days. This sucks ass!

   Melania's first English words were "You like? You like?" While giving a guy a lap dance.

   I'm getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn't the one who's supposed to be crying during our sessions.

   My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can't remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

   me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me bartender: no me: ... excuse me? bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

   Hey! Remember how fat your arms are? -Summer

   Cop: have you been drinking? Stork: no Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg Stork: you have no idea who you're dealing with

   I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

   If it weren't for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

   Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic