Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I met the most hardcore vegetarian ever. She was also a lesbian..

   A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a swimming pool...

   Just woke up from a colonoscopy with my smock on backwards, Barry White music playing in the background and my doctor with his feet kicked up smoking a cigarette and told me everything went just fine…

   Yeah, let me get this right, a guy name Samson gets his super strength from his hair? Is this what rational people actually believe? Sounds like a bad hollywood movie idea with Michael Bay production values.

   I asked my son if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, "capital F!

   stayed up half the night waiting for this special lunar eclipse everyone was all excited about...only to find out it was some silly movie. Now I'm tired too...

   Never looking back doesn't make you an optimist, lady, it makes you a horrible driver.

   The dog keeps licking his butt and staring at me. I don't feel bad for him though. I tried to give him toilet paper and he ate it.

   I wouldn't mind all the diving and faking in soccer if, at random times during each game, a trapdoor opened to a pit of hungry crocodiles.

   It's simply way too hot today for me to believe global warming is real.

   I'm starting to get a bit worried that Canada isn't going to win the World Cup this year.

   I'd still choose rock over paper in a real fight.

   Tropical Storm, hurrican Alex, is expected to hit the Gulf of Mexico today/tomorrow. They're saying it may interfer with the cleanup from Bp's oil spill. That's too bad: because it's been going so well.

   these keys I hold in my hand open up a very important part of my life,.. your chastity belt

   Maybe its called Eclipse because they plan on playing a better movie over it, like Bob Villas rendition of how long it takes for paint to dry

   determined to slam a revolving door...I will do this!

   The FDA says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as "airplanes".

   "Cristiano Ronaldo's Spitting Mad at TV Camera after Portugal Exit".............dis shows what a loser he is ..............:P:P:P

   I'm now Getting facebooks requests from my 14yr old sons friends. My girlfriend just called me a M.I.L.F. "Mom I'd like to Facebook"

   I went to the movies cause people wanted to see Eclipse, So I slowly covered the projector beam. Caused a riot, at least I got a better show than what that movie would have been.