Funny Status Messages
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Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on 
: Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
"Area 15? I'm in!!" R Kelly, probably.
Super Mario made me go looking for gold coins by smashing bricks with my head.
If you were surprised by jeffrey Epstein's suicide, just imagine how surprised he was!
Not Smoking anymore. I Put My Food In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number
I Saw A White Boy In Walmart Looking Mad ....So I Left
I wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of a Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
WOW! I can't believe the Guard who was guarding Jeffery Epstein was killed in an automobile accident - Tomorrow or Monday!
Gee, I wonder what idiot hired a guy who had to be “terminated in 11 days from a position he was totally in capable of handling.” What kind of moron gives people government jobs that they have no skill set to handle?
Laundry: Washing - 30 min Drying - 1 hour Putting away - 7 to 10 days
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
: The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer's Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
My Chinese neighbor man was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner last night. But someone let the "cat" out of the bag.
Welcome to the Resistance, Scaramucci. Better late than never.
A friend is typing.....
A grand is typing.....
A friend is typing.....
A friend is typing.....
A friend is typing.....
Friend says lol
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