Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bedible: Any kind of food you can successfully eat in bed without excess crummage or drippage

   Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays. Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

   If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her

   My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he's sleeping in the RV.

   Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

   I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

   Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.

   *spills one drop of maple syrup (entire house is sticky for the next decade)

   My doctor told me today that I was too sweet. Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.

   The older you get the more dating is like that final scene in The Shawshank Redemption where Red finally tells the Parole Board off.

   How come in 1969 we were able to send men all the way to the Moon and maintain perfect communication with them the whole time, while in 2019 I can't walk into the other room without losing a cell phone signal?

   [being dragged off the plane] Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

   Wanna know what living in Florida is like? Take a hot shower. Don't dry off. Put on all your clothes

   My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake...You know, cuz... "Here I go again on my own".

   Her: I want you to leave me breathless Me: *hides her inhaler

   n't it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

   What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

   HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

   You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday...and you’re 32.

   Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.