Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If drinking destroys your memories...what does drinking do?

   Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

   had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters

   without trust, there is suspicion whenever your filled with suspicion everyone starts looking evil to you

   Try Jesus . . . If you don't like him, The Devil will always take you back :)

   I love pulling in a random person's driveway when a cop is turning around to pull me over. Makes me feel like James Bond.

   I have to go to work after getting my braces tighten, so this will be a good test to see which is more enjoyable.

   I heard that if you sneak into the new twilight movie and blast justin bieber, the combination impregnates everyone.

   Psst. Hey. Europe is asleep. Let's talk sh*t about them.

   If you accept a penny for your thoughts, not only are you a philosophical prostitute. You're not a very good one.

   I would consider becoming Catholic if they made Batman Pope.

   These lemons are half empty.

   These food stamps taste terrible...

   We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.

   At what age do you tell a highway it was adopted?

   Eclipse recently came out. Who wants to stand at the front of the movie theaters and take away man-cards with me? Every guy I see going to watch it will have his man-card automatically suspended and recommended for permanent expulsion from the Male gender

   I was blinded by your beauty, so I am gonna need your name and number for insurance purposes...

   There is something significant about being the first to use a fresh new toilet paper roll

   if you have a two-four or a sixty-pounder then come up here to Canada cause we could always use another hoser to party with, we'll have some poutine and maybe we'll even catch a beaver if you're lucky eh? HAPPY CANADA DAY!

   A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw"