Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I wish some of my childhood friends who Iv lost contact with could somehow find me as I think I'm still 'it' from a game of hide-n-seek.
←Rate | 08-06-2019 15:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've always been a night owl who likes to get up early. See my dilemma?
←Rate | 08-06-2019 15:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So Walmart securty didn’t see this Mofo coming in from the parking lot with a Ak-47 ? But they wanna see a receipt for some water!
←Rate | 08-06-2019 15:58 by Remy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Does Moscow Mitch have teeth? He's always gumming.
←Rate | 08-06-2019 17:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Oh great, the Dow Jones is dropping faster than Melania's panties at a photoshoot.
←Rate | 08-07-2019 09:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love you, #GreenShirtGuy. I'm cracking up with you.
←Rate | 08-07-2019 20:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.
←Rate | 08-07-2019 21:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Talk about blatantly forcing yourself on El Paso.
←Rate | 08-07-2019 23:10 Comments (1)  


   messageicon If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 05:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Woah woah hey woah" [me attempting to breakup a fight]
←Rate | 08-08-2019 05:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientis
←Rate | 08-08-2019 05:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 05:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
←Rate | 08-08-2019 05:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
←Rate | 08-08-2019 05:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Boss: And why can’t you come in today? Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [Getting home from fishing trip] MOM: Catch anything? ME: No, but a bear did MOM: Where’s your father?
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I die after I pay rent I need y’all to sit my body up on my couch until the 31st of that month. I want my monies worth
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate going to the kitchen and finding out I’m the only snack in this house...
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:04 Comments (0)  




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