Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I just want to be as happy as the characters in any horror movie are during the first half hour of the film.
←Rate | 07-31-2019 04:40 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have decided who I'm going to vote which is, none of facebook's damn business.
←Rate | 07-31-2019 20:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.
←Rate | 08-01-2019 09:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!” FML
←Rate | 08-01-2019 10:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't know about you, but I love paying $1,600 on an iPhone. Thank you, who ever is in charge.
←Rate | 08-01-2019 17:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Dentist said I need a crown. Finally someone who understands me!
←Rate | 08-01-2019 20:35 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it..
←Rate | 08-02-2019 03:00 by MrSharp Comments (0)  


   messageicon Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking
←Rate | 08-02-2019 04:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Netflix is raising their rates again, as if we weren't paying enough to endlessly scroll their menu finding nothing good to watch.
←Rate | 08-02-2019 15:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm aware that Flesh-Eating Bacteria is terrible, but if anyone knows of a Fat-Eating bacteria I'm all ears.
←Rate | 08-04-2019 16:29 Comments (1)  


   messageicon If I got attacked by a bunch of homeless people I think I would really be bummed.
←Rate | 08-04-2019 16:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon He says the mentally I'll shouldn't have access to guns, yet he literally repealed the law that blocked their access to guns his first month in office.
←Rate | 08-04-2019 21:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry I’m late, I was busy proving my existence to an automatic faucet again.
←Rate | 08-05-2019 05:53 by DocNoland Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just picked a crumb off my shirt to eat, but it was a fuzz. I chewed it for about 13 seconds before I realized it wasn’t food. My cry for help is almost complete.
←Rate | 08-05-2019 05:58 by DocNoland Comments (0)  


   messageicon He has so much thoughts and prayers to offer, he offered them to the wrong city. Best entertaining two and a half years so far!
←Rate | 08-05-2019 12:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Gotta laugh at Wheezy Joe Biden...offers condolences to the wrong city AND state last night...wake up Joe!
←Rate | 08-05-2019 12:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon every toddler is just a mini version of Jack Skellington... "what's this, what's this"
←Rate | 08-05-2019 13:25 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon My dogs are great as I can always count on them to alert me of danger outside.....and my neighbors coming home, squirrels passing by, the garbage truck in the morning, when the mail man comes and sudden gusts of wind.
←Rate | 08-05-2019 14:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon MTV turned 38 years old today so lets celebrate 18 years of music.
←Rate | 08-05-2019 15:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A stranger phoned me last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my junk. The weirdo never showed up.
←Rate | 08-05-2019 20:24 Comments (0)  




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