Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone have a Volkswagen Beetle? Could I borrow it for an afternoon to drive around and count how many people I see punch one another?

   This is ridiculous its July 8th... Neighbors are still shooting off fireworks, one almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire..

   My wife made me a plate of calamari in exchange for helping her clean out her closet. It was a squid pro quo.

   I stayed up all night trying to remember if I had Amnesia or Insomnia.

   The last time I was inside of a woman I was visiting the statue of liberty.

   I'll tell you one thing. If someone called me "insecure" I wouldn't spend three days having a hissy-fit over it.

   I haven’t dreaded a Monday this bad in a long time. It’s been at least 7 days.

   When they kneel during the National Anthem, we should stop the music and announce "Since we are kneeling, let us pray."

   I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

   I have not seen anyone mad about the mermaid being black . Except the people that want to people mad ... stopped getting Jussie Smolette its all in your mind

   When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.

   My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

   Coming out can be hard as people don't understand our way of life and can be very close minded, but I feel in this day and age I can no longer be afraid to say I love Disco!

   Ugh!! My wife sent me to Walmart to get feminine products and I’ve been walking around for 45 mins...I’m starting to think Wal-Mart doesn’t sell mops....

   20 years ago the Internet was an escape from the real world. Now the real world is in escape from the Internet

   Restaurant toilets are so dangerous. So many of my dates have gone there and never some back.

   Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.

   Netflix: Are you still watching? Me: [snoring] Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

   The weather is 95 and hazy .. kind of like Bernie Sanders.

   I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”