Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   saw a police vehicle with a broken tail light. Can another police officer pull him over to give him a ticket?

   Feel bad for eating sushi at my desk in front of my goldfish.

   If porn was truly free, I'd save a lot of time on google.

   best all time combos...peanut butter and jelly, ham and cheese, batman and robin...ALCOHOL AND FIREWORKS!

   Today marks a historic date of our country. Happy 4th of July to everyone. The day Will Smith saved us from Aliens.

   Happy birthday USA! On a side note thanks to President Whitmore, Captain Steven Hiller, David Levinson and Mr. Russell Casse for saving us from aliens in 1996!

   can't wait to see who's all going to be single on my facebook after the 4th of July!"

   The eternal struggle: Tops of feet are sunburnt. Lighter is dead. Corner store is two blocks away. They have a sign: no shirt no shoes no service. I don't own flip flops. This is going to suck balls.

   enjoying the peace and quiet... the voices in my head aren't speaking to me at the moment!

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   - My wife said she is going to leave me if I dont stop my bad habbits. I nearly choked on my toe nail.

   - For sale:- One pair of world cup football boots, mint condition, no scuffs, Contact Wayne Rooney for more info.

   - I don't need Anger Management, I need for people to not piss me off!!!

   - If the camera lens is round, why is the picture rectangular?

   - Justin AmatterofsecondswasknownworldwidetobeacompletedoucheBieber.

   A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

   Also, when asked by police if you have any weapons or drugs, never say "Why? What do you need?"

   America is getting up there in age, but i'd still do her. God Bless America!

   Happy 234th Birthday,America! :)

   If She Sounds Cute On The Phone, Add 20 lbs !!!