flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a “no girls allowed” sign

   My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.

   When I was growing up, families actually did stuff together. Things are so much better now.

   Just told my dog "Don't walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don't.

   Actual quote from a girl I met my 1st day of college: "I would have tested out of English but I had too much other things to do."

   When speaking to me please use the words "basically" "actually" and "literally" or basically, I actually will literally not understand you.

   If you say “Kanye” in the mirror three times, he appears, pushes you over and starts screaming his own name in the mirror.

   Saying the word “awkward” in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it

   Proverbs 9:8 "do not correct a scoffer, or he will hate you" or in modern words "haters gonna hate"

   Man, kids really do ask some tough questions. One just came up to me and said “what’s Nicolas Cage’s worst film?” I mean how do you even answer that?

   I do marathons (on Netflix).

   Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”

   Please hold, your call is important to us. Not “hire more operators” important.. But like “if you need to hang up, that’s cool” important

   Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because NO ONE IS HITTING SNOOZE WHEN THEY HEAR THAT

   Remember before facebook when thoughts stayed in people’s heads?

   "You should try these mushrooms. They're a type of flavorless fungus that have flecks of cow poop clinging to their surface!"

   n't it interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering

   If you've ever put away a kitchen knife and not imagined the day you'll dramatically fight a burglar with it, congrats, I guess you're the adult.

   FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”

   Millions of men have fought and died just so you have the right to go on a website and whine about your ever so slightly imperfect life