Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two touchdowns for the US Women's team...too bad they missed that second extra point

   Vegetarians don't eat meat but they want their food to look like meat. Got it.

   Sorry this card’s a bit late, but I guess you used to think you showed up a bit late... like bad decisions and condoms. Congrats on your new baby!

   Congrats on your recent weight loss! Now if only you could cardio your way to a better face

   Word of advice guys. When a girl says "Awe thanks, that's so sweet of you" take a hint as what she's really trying to say is "Back to the friendzone with you!"

   If you gets a link called 'free porn' don't open it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelchek and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Lil

   There's a prince of whales? I hope he doesn't venture into Japanese waters.

   Me no study, me no care, me go marry a millionaire. If he die, me no cry, me go marry another rich guy.

   Just once in my life I'd like to finish a project as easily as they make it seem in the how to YouTube videos.

   it OK to cut in front of someone wearing all Camouflage?

   I don't want to live anymore I'm going on vacation to Santo Domingo

   Live music can sometimes take me to another place. Like today for example I saw a band who were so bad I left I went to another place spirit.

   Live music can sometimes take me to another place. Like today for example I saw a band who were so bad I left I went to another place.

   Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.

   Like this status if you're the type of person who likes to carry all your groceries into your house in one trip, but then realize at the front door you have so many bags in your hands you can't get the keys out of pocket.

   I remember when I used to get nostalgic. Those were the days...

   I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

   When I was a kid, selfies used to be called narcissism.

   Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I still want to see you eat, just not at my table.

   From the size of the crowd I would say wrong again .