Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need a beer....Or a pillow....or both

   "In the eyes of the Ranger, the unsuspected stranger. You'd better know the truth of wrong from right."

   Appearances can be deceiving - a dollar bill looks the same as it did twenty-five years ago.

   It's "Do The Right Thing" hot out there today

   Do you know what happens to little boys who continually interrupt? They grow up and make a fortune doing TV commercials.

   I saw a guy in WalMart wearing aqua socks. I was afraid to take his picture, as it might provoke my murder and subsequent skinning.

   Whenever I worry I've been wasting my time, I cheer myself up by remembering I have never read a Twilight book.

   Some families can trace their ancestry back three hundred years, but can't tell you where their children were last night.

   If you leave your pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them...

   wondering did someone ever give Sean Paul the light

   Dude!!! I don't play, I quit school because of recess!

   Everytime there is an awkward silence, a gay baby is born.

   Its so humid I don't need to drink water I can breath it.

   "be yourself" can be the worst advise you can give to some people

   Dear Mr Raoul Moat , It has come to my notice that John Terry has also been shagging your missus while you were in prison , yours sincerely Wayne Bridge ..

   Recent studies show that┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─ can be very effective in dealing with cases of chronic boredom. Use with caution - too much may lead to an addiction.

   wondering why his daughter's diaper holds no where near the 22-37 pounds it promises.

   You know who the luckiest person in the world is, a person who doesnt need no luck

   On the radio they are talking about weird names for gas stations! Would you rather get your stuff from the Kum n Go, Park and Blow, or the Pump n Pak lol?

   Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? Thats alrite because I ♥ the way it hurts; Just gonna stand there and watch me cry? Thats ok because I ♥ the way you lie...