Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Crappy Ending (n): When a 45-minute massage ends with a police investigation.

   Dear Apple, I have a new product for you. It's called iAmPissed.

   Disrespect: Giving someone half the peace sign without suggesting they are number one

   doesn't the woman on googles homepage look kinda manly

   I never called you crazy... I said you look like you might own 400 cats, but I never actually said "crazy."

   Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

   I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women h

   the only time I get blue b@lls is if the chick has blue lipstick

   You post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.

   for every action there will be someone to have a complete overreaction.

   I honestly don't care if you think I'm crazy. You're just a figment of my imagination anyway. Coffee:

   beer doesn't make me post better Facebook Status updates, it just makes me not care what you think of them.

   So yeah I just went outside and I'm pretty sure I won't be doing that again until at least October.

   "Hangover" makes it sounds like it's all done now. I'd like to propose the term "hanghappening".

   "Leprosy can't be all bad. It has "rosy" in its name!" -super positive counselor at a leper colony

   I suspect my Girl might be OCD because she performs a few bizarre rituals. For example, she just made our bed. Who does that?

   o═════<()¸„ø¤º°¨¨°º¤øº♪ ♫ ♪. 90 min of this annoying crap.

   I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance mama...

   Men have Adam's apple, and women have Eve's cherry

   I'm on the best diet ever. It's called the "I'm too hungover to eat" diet.