Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I'm Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

   Some people are as useless as an audiobook on sign language

   Remember as we are planing for our tomorrows, our brave soilders are giving theirs today.. Have a safe an wonderful Memorial Day weekend everyone!!

   On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

   Cardi B is a former stripper. Prime example of why the expression “Don’t quit your day job” was created.

   Mother Goose Haiku: Old Mother Hubbard Looked in cupboard for dog food Nothing for that dog.

   Does anyone know which page of the bible explains how to turn water into wine? Asking for a friend.

   Disgusting! The Toronto Raptors are in the NBA finals. This is all Obama's fault!

   I discovered that growing up in the '60's was more fun than being in my 60's...

   At what point did Cardi B think to herself, "I'm tired of this life, I should try to be a singer," while she was dancing around the stripper pole?

   I'm no longer afraid to say that I loved Milli Vanilli's songs!.....or whoever it was that perform their songs.

   The man who never apologizes, wants an apology. The irony is strong with this one.

   When I was a kid we used to keep our Facebook accounts secure with a lock and key we used to call a diary.

   5 year olds can't bring milk, eggs or peanuts to school these days but they can bring the measles...

   It doesn't make it right, but there isn't a politician alive that hasn't lied or cheated to get elected.

   Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

   Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

   If you're just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, "Is this really all there is to life?" and the answer is no! There's also back pain

   Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

   Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.