Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants an asian monkey just so I can name it "who flung pu"

   "Heat Wave Grips East Coast"; "Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico Continues"; Across the US Mainland, Fracking (drilling for natural gas) Causes Burning Tap Water and Causes Major Health Problems".........hmm, I'll take the "higher cost of living" in HAWAII

   facebook...u can poke another man's woman & he wont get mad about it

   's ideas regarding romance have drastically evolved since kids & marriage. Flowers are lame. A man pushing a vacuum or starting a load of laundry without being asked, however, is the hottest thing since Brooke Shields swam the Blue Lagoon naked!

   Lord Voldemort is pure evil. He turned Cedric Diggory into Edward Cullen!

   If George Washington never told a lie, why is his picture on a dollar bill worth 38 cents?

   Being told my breath smells like a sumo's kock with an onion ring around it wasn't funny, mom...

   If you're a man over 65 and like to jog, remember to tuck your nuts in your sock before you leave the house....Old Jogger Rule #34.

   Jake and Vienna acted like they are already married.

   when it seems like god isnt answering ur prayers just remember that the teacher never talks during a test

   God has a plan for every1.. if something is meant 2 be it's meant 2 be. Live ur life for today becuase you never know what tomorrow may bring. Tell the ppl you love that you love them, show the ppl you care bout that you care.. Life is 2 short 2 waste..

   Crappy Ending (n): When a 45-minute massage ends with a police investigation.

   Dear Apple, I have a new product for you. It's called iAmPissed.

   Disrespect: Giving someone half the peace sign without suggesting they are number one

   doesn't the woman on googles homepage look kinda manly

   I never called you crazy... I said you look like you might own 400 cats, but I never actually said "crazy."

   Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

   I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women h

   the only time I get blue b@lls is if the chick has blue lipstick

   You post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.