Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

   First, God created idiots. That was just for practice. Then He created school boards.

   Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again.

   I couldn't repair your brakes, so I just made your horn louder.

   If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.

   I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"? Damn firemen.

   Remember when MTV used to play music?

   The reason I watch crime documentaries on drug smugglers is to look for new ways to sneak a bag of Doritos into the house.

   ☃ 66 ℉ in my home and ☀ 89 ℉ out side my door...Hmmmm Think I will stay on this side of the door today... ヅ

   I used to be a life gaurd, untill that damn blue kid got me fired!

   "No big lifestyle change for Lindsay Lohan. She'll still be hanging around the bars"

   finally decided to Tie the Knot... the Four-in-Hand Necktie Knot - it's really the easiest to tie.

   Watching the Hanover... Not the movie.. looking in the mirror

   Spain or Germany??? --Spermany!

   I'm going to be more productive today by making a list of things I don't have to do and accomplish every one of them.

   she didn't think it was as funny when her plans for a Dutch Oven backfired.

   I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry."

   annoyed....the FOLD cycle on the clothes dryer isn't working!

   Dear Lindsay Lohan,Here is a tip,Better learn to hold your soap tightly.

   Get Your FaceBook Outta MySpace.