Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey! That's my stuff!"?

   Whatever God was smoking when he invented the platypus, I want some.

   I was cleaning out my pantry and found some tang. Unfortunately, it's the kind you drink...

   Happy Revenge of the Sixth, everyone!

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron!

   It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

   Just finest remolding my bathroom and just want thank you all for all the selfies and great remolding idea's!

   Harry and Meghan have started an online poll to allow the British public to suggest the name of the new royal infant. The current front-runner is Princey McPrinceFace.

   Wonder if the Kentuky error was made while he was eating some chicken from a bucket of Kentucky chicken.

   I may be broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of meth addicts; BUT I'm better off than the armless guy watching porn.

   What happens if you donate hair to a cancer survivor and they commit a crime and leave a sample of your hair at the scene??

   As a child I learned to play piano by ear. As a teenager I learned to fiddle with my pen1$.

   Able to lose $250 Million dollars in a single year. It's a bird, no, it's a plane, no, it's Donald Trump!

   Guns are not the problem. It's the people who are pulling the trigger. Taking guns away will not stop people from killing other people.

   Typing the word "skepticism" is like playing Pong with your keyboard

   Kids in middle school showing off their double jointed appendages is the original weird flex

   Just now at McDonalds: Go away kid, I don't have bubble wrap. That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up!

   IT'S 2019 Why Isn't there like a booth to get my abs developed in an hour or less yet ?

   If my dog has taught me anything, it's avoid people at all cost and take as many naps as possible

   I recently bought a toilet brush. To make a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.