Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I ended things because of how bad she was in bed, the sex was great but her napping skills were terrible.
←Rate | 02-10-2019 05:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thinking about opening a hamburger joint out in Utah I'll call it "Five Wives"
←Rate | 02-10-2019 05:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This girl at the bar is winking at me. Now she's using the other eye. Never mind, she's passing out.
←Rate | 02-10-2019 05:33 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Interviewer: This says you tend to jump to conclusions Me: So I'm hired?
←Rate | 02-10-2019 05:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd love to hang out with you, but this nap isn't going to take itself.
←Rate | 02-10-2019 05:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [watching porn] me: she didn't wash her hands, that's how you get the flu.
←Rate | 02-10-2019 05:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People should be tested for emissions. They’re exhausting.
←Rate | 02-10-2019 10:28 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't worry. My bedroom cameras are for research purposes only.
←Rate | 02-10-2019 10:59 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There’s good sex, then there’s no-hole-left-untouched sex.
←Rate | 02-10-2019 11:11 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon All this beer drinking I do gives me a hangover. It's really noticeable when I stand sideways.
←Rate | 02-10-2019 13:44 by Joker Comments (0)  


   messageicon It wasn’t the hundreds of selfies with snapchat filters that bothered me that much. It was the fact she actually had bunny ears and freakishly oversized eyes when she showed up to dinner.
←Rate | 02-10-2019 16:31 by ScottyDon’t Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you’re single and starting to feel a little sad about Valentines day just remember that Saint Valentine was beaten, thrown in prison then beheaded and all candy will be 50% off the next day.
←Rate | 02-10-2019 16:32 by ScottyDon’t Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why is it I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while bears get to use Charmin?
←Rate | 02-10-2019 19:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I thought the internet was originally created to save time. So what happened?
←Rate | 02-10-2019 20:16 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just discovered that spilling hot coffee in your lap wakes you up faster then drinking it.
←Rate | 02-10-2019 20:19 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator!
←Rate | 02-11-2019 07:45 by Truman Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some of you ladies have more inches of snow outside than your man has in his pants.
←Rate | 02-11-2019 10:54 by RyanRyan Comments (0)  


   messageicon Was gonna make a subtle joke about the Rueben I got at a deli the other day but I'm not sure everyone would appreciate the rye humor.
←Rate | 02-11-2019 22:25 by DocNoland Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tough Monday today so I consulted my spirit guide. He led me right to the Vodka. Total Mind Reader!!!
←Rate | 02-11-2019 23:43 by Keith Comments (0)  


   messageicon Next time you visit someone with Alexa. "Alexa set 3am alarm with horror movie sounds."
←Rate | 02-12-2019 05:17 by Stevielea Comments (0)  




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